Whew!!!

That was a long couple of days! We had 6 (SIX) Christmas Celebrations in three days. By the end, both boys were a mess. We are going to be spending the better part of the next week getting back on track with eating and sleeping. We got some great things for Christmas. Nolan got a Black and Decker Toy Tool bench, and I got the Flip video camera I have been lusting over! The best gift of all however was the new Minivan we purchased today. It was not a simple deal, but it was well worth it we needed more space, and fast!

Family Photos?

We tried to have our family pictures taken last night, and the only word for it would be nightmare. Lincoln was alright for a bit. Nolan was not in to the whole smiling/being compliant thing, and it made for a long session. About half way through, Lincoln pooped up his back, and down his legs, and Nolan snapped, and refused to willingly participate at all.
Here are just a few snapshots from our long night.







Finally we got it right!

A dark place....

Infertility can take a person to a very dark place. I know because I have been there, and am working on getting out. After Nolan was born, I was immediately yearning for another child. I was in panic mode worrying about how or IF I would ever get pregnant again. I had more regular cycles, so we tried on our own for four of them. Finally, I called the RE again, and we got started. We found out about Lincoln a month before Nolan turned one. Looking back, the timing was perfect. Looking back, I enjoyed Nolan as an infant, but I sort of get sad when I think of how much I could have and did miss because I was so focused on having another.

I am still ready for more children. I would love to be pregnant now. This time around it is different however. I am refusing to let myself get to the same place I was before. I know that we will have more children. It has happened twice, and it will happen again. I believe that it will happen on its own this time, but if for some reason I am wrong, we know what was successful for us before, and that it will help again.

The issue with our fertility lies within me. Mr. is fine, I can carry a baby, it is just the getting there that has been a concern.

I went to a play date today at the home of a friend. I had never met the other two mothers there, but it was a really nice time. One of the moms just had her third miscarriage two months ago, and she is still feeling pretty raw about it. We talked for a while about it, and the desire to have children, and came to the conclusion that some people who have never gone through it just do not get it. That is not a criticism. I would love to not get it in this situation. I also would not wish the pain of infertility on anyone, friend or foe.

AHHH Friday!

Even though I do not work outside the home right now, I LOVE the end of the week! I love knowing Mr. will be home for two days, and there is just something about staying up late watching mindless TV with all of my boys home on a Friday night. I Love It!!

Tonight we went to Babies R Us to exchange our double stroller. We originally got a Sit 'N Stand, and it was not working for us. We needed to get one that worked as tomorrow we are headed to the Zoo for the light display. It will be Nolan's first train ride, and he is stoked about seeing the animals. He has no clue what he is in for with the temperature outside though!

Nothing exciting around here...

This weeks is draaaaaaaagging, and not much to report. I am finishing up my Anatomy and Physiology 2 class along with my online Pharmacology. I hope to be enrolled in the nursing program by this time next year. How we will work out things like childcare and income are another story... Details details.
Since I do not have much to say, I will introduce you all to my family!


Our first picture as a family of four!


My Boys!

Ok, so still working on the adding picture thing, but we will get there!

Anxiety

I have post partum anxiety. There I said it. I love my boys, and am thrilled that they are here and mostly healthy. I do however get stressed over things I can not control right now.
I want more children. It makes me insane that I have yet to be able to conceive without the help of the medical field. I so want to get pregnant with an oops baby. We will have more children, and definitely want a large family, but I just wish it could happen for us without help. After Lincoln came along, we were told by my OB that he really thinks it can happen for us with no help. He suggests we enjoy our marriage, and our intimacy, and let it happen. I so hope he is right. I am hanging on those words like you would not believe. Even after how stressful and hard both of my pregnancies were, I can not wait to do it again.

Mr. Firsttogo would like to space the next baby a little bit, but we are financially able to do it, and both young...ect.

My first post...

This blog is a way for me to express thoughts and feelings that I otherwise would not feel comfortable doing. I am Firsttogo, and I have two beautiful boys and a great husband. My sons are Nolan and Lincoln. Nolan is 20 months old, and the light of my life. Lincoln is my sweet three week old, whom we grow to love more and more with each passing moment.

We struggled for a year and a half to conceive Nolan, and with the help of fertility Dr.s, and God, he is here. Lincoln is also a product of modern science, and we could not be more thrilled. I remember feeling while TTC that my life was miserable, and I could never see why a child was not easy to come by. I can still not understand why it had to be so hard, but I know one thing is true: These boys were the children we were supposed to have. They are perfect in every way, and totally worth the wait.